No, this is not a blog about the misery of hayfever. Well it is. But also it isn’t.

What I mean to say is, it’s not about itchy eyes or wheezy chests. Sneezing does feature but only once.

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(They’re wibbly lines depicting a scene shift, fool. Just go with it).

I hate hayfever. Actually it’s not so bad at the moment. Drivers are restricted on medications they can take with no drowsy stuff allowed (obviously – we couldn’t possibly be allowed to drive while exhausted from medication. Hell no. They make us manufacture our own all-natural exhaustion). Fortunately I can use one of the permitted antihistamines which seems to knock off most of my symptoms. And being underground is an absolute boon. No pollen down there and if I’m lucky and only do tunnels for half a day I can spend an almost allergy-free day. Lovely. This is not the blog by the way, it’s just by way of preamble. I do a good preamble even if it’s a bit long. A preramble if you will.

OK this bit is the blog. My hayfever has almost finished for the year so I’ve not really been taking the antihistamine regularly. Only when symptoms flare up. And yesterday I had an earth-shattering symptom. I sneezed. Not just a regular sneeze. This was Son of the Bride of the Return of the Dawn of the Teatime of the Sneeze. It hurt my teeth.

What it also did was make me drop my computer. There was the typical moment of sneeze aftermath which every breathing mammal goes through. The stillness, the quick check to ensure that one’s head is intact and all teeth in place. The relief that it’s over. The wonderment that something oddly pleasurable can yet be so violent. This quick mental reboot takes place in the quiet hiatus of the aftersneeze. Unfortunately after that brief half-second all hell broke loose with a flailing of limbs, a realisation that one shouldn’t sneeze while wearing shiny-textured clothes and the long, slow tumble of the laptop to the floor.

This laptop is sturdy. Although I never intend to I have dropped it a few times now and it’s always been fine. It probably knows that it is so old (8 years? older?) that it cannot be fixed and thus it fears to sulk in the usual manner of computers. Sulk and yer binned mate.

So the laptop was tickety-boo. I was annoyed to discover that it had fallen on its side and had somehow mashed the USB-lead-thingy which connects me to the world. Oops. Internet is buggered. I tinkered. I tried rebooting (well it worked for me after the Sneeze Apocalypse so why not for the computer) and after consultation with the computer’s actual owner (you can see where my world just got worse) I shut it down and left it to sit quietly in a dark corner with a blanket over its head. Nothing worked whatsoever.

So how do I blog I hear you mutter? Well I was fairly convinced it was the USB-lead-thingy that was buggered and not the laptop. Bear in mind the laptop fears illness. The USB-lead-thingy does not and frequently has histrionics at the very idea of working. After much slow twiddling and tinkering at a speed a tai chi master would be proud of, I finally managed to get the USB-lead-thingy in the optimum position to get online. Then I breathed and it all collapsed. Arse. But, if I can do it once I can do it again! So after more zen twiddling I am now online. And herein lies my problem and the reason for this blog.

I fear to move in case I disconnect again. I am obliged to sit here for the rest of time or until I can obtain a new USB-lead-thingy. I’m just off to order one now but I expect it will take at least a couple of days to arrive. In the meantime, could anybody who reads this blog please stop by with food and water. Oh and bring me a blanket. And…sorry….but I may need some Pampers too. It shouldn’t be for too long. Just til the USB-lead-thingy gets delivered….

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