I’m not a big fan of zombies. There’s just no reasoning with them.

But, we are an equal opportunities transport organisation and so long as you pay your fare then you can travel. It doesn’t matter if your skin is white or black or even falling off. We’ll let you come downstairs and wait for a train. This occasionally proves to be a problem.

For the most part, zombies are fine when travelling. They know when they’ve got it easy and they don’t cause much trouble for fear that we’ll throw them out into the sunlight where they’ll shamble around in a daze and get run over by the taxi drivers. OK they’re strong but a few CSAs can generally sort them out. Mostly they stand harmlessly on the platforms waiting for trains and then travel quietly. They even have enough residual wit to dress more-or-less like regular humans.

The key to identifying them is in the eyes. You don’t want to go looking at things like stance or arm posture as you’re just as likely to end up with teenagers. No, it’s all in the eyes. That vacant stare is a dead giveaway. But don’t be fooled – they might act like mild-mannered commuters but deep down they want your braaaaaaaiiiinnnss.

One morning I was obliged to go in at some stupid hour of the day. I happened to leave home a bit earlier than usual and so speedy was my taxi driver that I actually arrived at work before I was scheduled to leave my home stop. Naturally I didn’t worry about zombies once I was in the station – although they are more commonly sighted in the hours of darkness, we tend to lock the stations and not let the zombies in overnight. So it’s perfectly safe and quiet. So quiet, in fact, and so early was I, that it seemed reasonable to have a short nap.

This actually went quite well and after half an hour or so I decided to go and find a DMT and book on. So off I wandered. As I turned onto the platform I stopped in fear. There, ranged the full length of the platform were zombies. Dozens of zombies! I could tell instantly that they were not regular commuters by the silence and the stillness. Some had earphone leads attached to their heads yet there was no tsss tsss tsss to be heard. Others had newspapers held in front of them but their eyes did not move and the pages were not turned. The majority, however, were standing facing the track, doing nothing and not acknowledging the presence of any other being. Clearly I had unwittingly stumbled upon a Zombie Gathering of Great Significance!

I was uncertain what to do. To retreat from the platform would draw thier attention to me. I did not want to do this because here I was with some fresh braaaaaiiiinnnns. I decided to move as naturally as I could past them and hide in the relative safety of the DMT’s office. At the very worst I could shove him outside before he knew about them and I could escape up one of the many little-known staircases we have about the place. Nobody would be annoyed with me if I did as it’s generally better to lose a manager than somebody useful. So off I set with my heart in my mouth and my braaaaiiiinnnns in my head. All the way down the platform I was thinking ‘Don’t run, don’t run, don’t run’ as I tried to walk slowly and smoothly past without drawing attention to my fully-laden skull. Obviously I avoided all eye contact in case it enraged them but I was still quite freaked out as their Gathering of Great Significance had somehow imbued them all with a borg-like sense of awareness and I could feel them mentally tracking me as I passed by. Finally I made it past them. The entire walk being conducted in absolute silence. I don’t think I’ve ever experienced anything quite so unnerving in my life.

I’m not sure what happened to the zombies after that. Some other drivers turned up a few minutes later and we went off to get trains. When we got back the zombies had disappeared. But just bear in mind when you are on a near-deserted station in the more obscure hours of the day – the guy down the platform a ways is not necessarily human. So make sure you get into the first cab near the driver. Cos then he’d have to eat through you before he got to mybraaaaaaiiinnnns.