I think I’m starting to obsess about the weird headlines on the BBC news site. As usual, I haven’t actually read the stories cos I think my versions are more interesting.

You may need to click on this image because there’s quite a lot going on!

Firstly London and the South East continues to do us proud with a story of an 8-mile woodslick at sea. I would, however, quibble their use of the word ‘slick’ when there was the perfectly adequate ‘jetsam’ or even ‘driftwood’ in a pinch.

In the North it seems that the credit crunch has got really bad, to the point that armed robbers are now starting to steal sweets. This leads me to wonder what will happen should the Armed Response Unit fire off tasers at muggers loaded up with Pop Rocks. Could be painful.

But all of this is surpassed by the efforts of the Midlands/East area. They start off by causing contemplation of exactly how a person can fall out of a hospital window, what he was doing at the time and whether the BBC haven’t accidentally mixed up news headlines with plots from The Two Ronnies. I suppose he was at least in the best possible place to be if you are going to go falling out of windows.

This story is swiftly surpassed by the one about giant puppets searching for a home. I guess the house price crash is over then. Wonder if they are first time buyers…or is it something to do with that fairy godmother not having the right permits?

In a wonderful hatrick for Midlands/East we finish with a story about a jaguar opening a training academy. Presumably the course involves you walking naked into a room with a jaguar and letting them eat you. You get a certificate afterwards though.