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There was a wild animal in the cab of my train today. It was most disruptive.

Does anyone remember Pink Windmill? Remember the hedgehog? Remember how there’d be chaos and then the hedgehog would walk across the bottom of the screen and they’d all stop and stare, clearly wondering wtf that hedgehog was doing and where did it come from? Well that’s how I looked today when a butterfly suddenly fluttered across my field of vision. Naturally I turned to gaze after it as I wondered where it had appeared from and where it was going to in such a small space. This turned out to be a bad idea given that I was pulling into a station at the time.

This butterfly wasn’t a real butterfly. It was just sent into existence to annoy me. It kept changing appearance too. One minute there’s a butterfly and the next there’s a blob of old manky chewing gum stuck to the door. That gave me pause. I inspected it for antenna or legs but there were none. This seemed an actual blob of chewing gum that some tard had stuck there. I tapped my fingers near the gum in the hope of scaring it into movement. Obviously nothing happened because this really was old chewing gum. I steeled myself and touched it and the chewing gum flew away. Bastard.

It changed tactics for a while and started hiding behind equipment. After a lull it would jump out at me to give me a fright. There are a surprising number of places to hide in the cab of a train if one is only an inch wide. Then it got inventive and upped the sadism a notch. It hid only in the stations where it was light and I could see. In the tunnels it came out and sat beside me. On the brake handle, on the radio, on the public address handset…basically anywhere I was likely to touch. Remember that I work in the dark. There can be few worse things happen to a person at work than to put their hand out to something in the dark and have that thing wriggle.

Despite this I’m not heartless when it comes to trapped insects. I’m quite happy to shoo flies, bees, even wasps out of places they get stuck in. I tried several times to gently catch it and put it out the window but it kept getting away and there’s only so long I can spend in each station chasing a small insect around a space that’s about 6ft by 6ft by 4ft. I was slightly worried that one of the Voices would notice my train had suddenly started dawdling in the rush hour because how does one explain things? ‘I’m running late because there’s a butterfly hiding in the cab and jumping out at me and it’s scary, over’? I’m confident they’d send someone to Section me and remove me from the train straight away.

Fucking butterflies.