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Dear Idiot Customer,

If I have told you that one of the brakes is failing and you all need to get off the train here and sorry but it won’t be going any further then for the love of pete do not try to engage me in your pathetic whining. Yes I understand that it is the weekend and we’re on a limited service but that’s because there are engineering works over which I have no control. And guess what? Railways do not yet operate on luck and pixie dust. They operate on metal and stone and the laws of physics and this means repairing or replacing rather large bits of equipment at reasonably regular intervals. Failure to do this rather drastically increases your chances of death while travelling. If you don’t like it then go away and start working out how to run things on luck and pixie dust. If it works we’ll probably pay you lots for that idea.

Oh and fuck off anyway because we weren’t even supposed to be running this far but the guys worked their arses off and finished the works a day early at which point everybody decided it would be nice to scramble the night before and work out an extended service. So if you want us to run according to plan then we can quite happily return you to the point we were supposed to stop and refuse to run you any further than that. Oh except we can’t because the brakes are failing and I’m kicking you the fuck off my train.

regards
Severe Delays…

Except I usually won’t say that because in general those who argue about such things are not worth bothering with and I’ll just nod and smile and tell you how sorry I am and then continue my merry way not caring in the slightest about you. (This is to your detriment because those who politely and reasonably speak to me about how to get to where they are going will be the ones I don’t mind stopping to help). And don’t even begin to bitch about how noisy the train is and how you can’t hear your iPod because I will just laugh at you.

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