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So I’m sitting here minding my own business and trying to work out how best to level up in Gardens of Time (I’m something of a sucker for facebook games) when I hear a strange sound. As I haven’t noticed any blue flashing lights it’s unlikely to be the police kicking in my door again (another story for another time) and I’m home alone so this is more than slightly freaky. Besides, it’s 2am. We all know that ethereal shit goes down at 2am. This cannot be good news.

The sound came from the window. So I did what any self-respecting person would do and stayed right here on the sofa while wondering if I dared go to peek. Before I could leap up and storm over there with only my lightning wit and my lethal bare hands as weapons (I totes would have!) I heard the noise again. This time accompanied by an inhuman face appearing over the edge of the windowsill. I’m on the second floor, my outside windowledge is two inches wide and there’s no way on earth that anyone can climb up there.

This guy must have magical powers. Like flying….

We stayed like that for quite a while. Me staring at him, him staring at me. Then I grabbed my camera because if it does turn out that he’s some sort of demonic force trying to lure me into letting him in then I want evidence to explain why my rotting corpse is bedecked with candles and feathers and strange symbols are daubed on the walls in human blood. Incontrovertible evidence that the fuzz cannot possibly miss the next time they kick my door in.

He has a strangely intense look on his…is ‘face’ the correct term? I can’t decide if that look is aimed at me or at the penguin. Or possibly at the fact my window clearly needs somebody to come along with a shammy (equally clearly, that person is not me). It’s a very pointed look. Maybe that’s the beak though. But either way, it’s quite a disconcerting look for a pigeon.

I pondered what to do to move our relationship forward. We needed to get past this initial stage of mutual suspicion and alarm. This is tricky as most of my experience with pigeons comes from running them over. A sudden thud and brief regret is probably not the best way to endear oneself to a species. Maybe that’s what the look is for. He’s been sent here by a cabal of pigeons to memorise my face so he can accurately describe me to the others. That way if they see me hurtling along they can flip and head in the other direction. I swear I don’t try to kill pigeons deliberately. I quite like them, in fact. But now and again their daring acrobatics in the face of an oncoming train just don’t pan out too well.

Eventually I hit on it: food! Animals like food, right? But what do pigeons eat? Everything! Obviously! I set my camera down and wandered through to the kitchen to see what was available. There I hit a snag. Does “everything” encompass cucumbers? Tomatoes? Somehow I can’t see a pigeon tucking into a tomato. I have some porridge but I am reluctant to waste tomorrow’s breakfast on what may yet be a demonic force. Then I remembered that I had stashed away the remains of an entirely legally acquired and fully paid for box of Kellogg’s Crunchy Nut Cornflakes. Despite this being something of an anomaly for me I saw no reason that my new pigeon friend (hopefully) wouldn’t enjoy them. I grabbed a handful and headed back to the window. Only to discover that he’d vanished.

I opened the window and threw out the cereal anyway because the alternative was to stand around in my front room holding ancient cornflakes for the rest of the night. I’m happy to report that no demonic forces invaded and I was not attacked by hundreds of avian foe hellbent on feathery revenge. So why was he there? I have no clue. It’s a bit late for birds to be flying around and while he did seem incredibly interested in what I was doing, I don’t think the Met Police routinely employ surveillance pigeons. I’m also pretty sure he can’t be a Kellogg’s spy as he hasn’t come back for the evidence.

I’m going to take the chance that he was just a random pigeon doing weird stuff. But just in case he wasn’t, please listen carefully to the announcements tomorrow. If you happen to hear one about ‘lack of available staff’ then please assume the worst and direct the emergency services here. It’s ok, the police know where I live and how to get in.