Imagine the scene: for years you’ve prepared a variety of meals some of which taste better than others. A percentage of those meals require the juice of a lemon or an orange or a freshly squeezed cabbage or whatever. And throughout those years you’ve cursed the fact that you’ve never gotten around to purchasing any item to make the process easier and that every single time you end up with sore hands, half-squished fruit and juice running down your arm to end up in your armpits.

No more! Yesterday the stars finally aligned and I not only happened to be on Amazon but I remembered that I needed something to ease the process of extracting juice from lemons. It would seem reasonably simple to type “lemon juicer” in their search engine and obtain an appropriate tool for the job. As it turns out, that phrase is the secret code to allow you to stumble into Amazon’s Erotic Homeware department.

I’m going to put the rest of this entry under a cut because…well…seriously.

After skipping the dodgy plastic lemon juicers which seem to have stuck around since the 70s I discovered this:

Now to my mind that looks like a butt plug. I had some doubts but they completely vanished when I saw this one:

Why would you need a tape measure for a lemon juicer?! Not that they are called ‘juicers’. No. They are ‘reamers’.

Exploring further, I found they also have double-ended ones:

Although this one scares me:

On the next page, I discovered that Amazon seem to have catered for everyone. There are what looks like love balls:

and is that some sort of fucking machine?

Obviously I did the only thing I could at that point and summoned witnesses to help me decipher what the hell Sexy-Amazon is selling. This one provoked a bit of discussion. One camp declares it to be another sort of fucking machine. Personally I look at the…um…angle of the dangle and pity the user. My vote is firmly on some sort of ball crusher. Make up your own mind:

There were literally pages of these things. Except, strangely, on page three of the results. There was nothing remotely erotic there. Though if a person did happen to need a little encouragment it’s only one swift click to the next page where I discovered a:

penis pump?

It all got a bit much at that point and I decided to buy the first one and be done with it. Though not before my eye was caught by what must be the most hilariously racist thing I’ve ever seen. I cannot imagine who would buy this but presumably they only ever use it to juice mandarin oranges. o.O