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Tag Archives: fuckwits

No Forward Movement

11 Tuesday Jun 2013

Posted by severedelays in Uncategorized

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

fail, fuckwits, memos, train

Sometimes at a terminus late at night a person might close up everything then go to drive their train into a siding and then it turns itself off. That’s ok. It’s supposed to do that. It’s just checking stuff. All you have to do is sit and twiddle your thumbs for a few minutes til it turns everything back on and once you have motors available you zoom off.

OR, you can sit and gaze around the cab if you don’t fancy twiddling your thumbs right at that particular moment. Perchance your gaze may alight on the emergency brake button which is pleasingly big and red. If such a circumstance were to occur you might happen to notice that the emergency brake button is at a very peculiar angle and give it a little poke whereupon you might find that the whole thing spins round in an anticlockwise direction.

Coincidentally, anticlockwise is the direction you spin it in to release the emergency brake. Had you wished to apply the emergency brake you’d give it a push and it spins clockwise and applies the brakes. But you probably don’t want to push it. You might ponder that a spinning emergency brake button is not something you really want on a train and perhaps you should be calling up the Controller to mention it. But before you do…hey, wonder if it also spins in a clockwise direction? So you might test that. And then hear a soft thunk of brakes applying. And then you might be left frantically spinning the button to no apparent point in either direction.

And if such a thing should ever happen to you then definitely will be calling the Controller and then you’ll be answering some extremely pointed questions about how comes the emergency button came to be pressed in the first place. And you’ll come up with the most half-arsed explanation ever proffered to anyone, ever, including when your parents told you that Fido was going off to live on a farm where he could chase chickens. And then the Controller will most likely tell you that your signal is going to return to danger and can you confirm that you will not be moving your train? And then you’ll burst out laughing all over the radio because that’s kind of the problem here. And then you’ll have to wait a bit for them to fetch a man who will turn up and say “Oh that’s bad, we don’t have a tool for that”, and then he’ll shrug and bring out a big hammer and give it a go anyway.

And after a bout of thumping and cussing he’ll tell you it’s fixed. Well not fixed, exactly, but it’ll move. And then you’d probably high-tail it into the siding as fast as you can because you want to get rid of this damn train as quickly as possible.

And the moral of the story is TWIDDLE YOUR FUCKING THUMBS.

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Late night/early morning conversations I have had – a series

01 Sunday May 2011

Posted by severedelays in Uncategorized

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

fail, fuckwits, lost, train, tube

“Hello Signaller! Could you release my shunt signal so I can shunt from the platform to the siding and go home now?”

“Bwuh?! What? Which platform are you on? I thought I’d released it but maybe I’ve got confused about your location.”

“Oh…um…yes, I was looking at the signal for the mainline…the shunt signal turns out to be clear…”

At least she laughed.

*headdesk*

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Dear Diary…

15 Thursday Jul 2010

Posted by severedelays in Uncategorized

≈ 23 Comments

Tags

fail, fuckwits, train, tube

Monday
Decided that since I am working at silly hours this week I’d treat myself to a posh drink from a coffee stall. Wandered from my current line to my old line, leapt on a train and went…in the wrong direction. Was too embarrassed with myself to get off and change direction so kept going and decided to work back to my line instead and purchase an inferior posh drink at a different station. Then realised I didn’t know how to get back to my line from where I was. Standing in uniform on a busy train I pondered and eventually pulled my diary from my bag. Whilst pretending to look something up I took a sneaky peek at the tube map at the back to get directions.

Tuesday
As I’ve previously blogged, was repeatedly attacked by a rabid butterfly whilst driving. Additionally, arrived at work with details of my day’s work in my hot little hand. Went to find train in the depot. Wondered where details of my day’s work had gone. Wondered what my train number was. Wondered which depot exit I was scheduled to use and consequently which end of the train to sit at. Muddled through and arrived in a platform. Wondered where I was going. Continued to wonder throughout the day.

Wednesday
Goddamn it, I want that posh drink. Returned to old line and ensured I went in the right direction. Leapt out and purchased delicious drink. Success! Returned to own line having previously checked the route to ensure no further getting lost. More success! Got to work and entered the cab of my train. Dropped drink.

Thursday
Gapped train. This involves neatly placing the train over a very specific spot in the track so as to prevent any current being drawn and rendering the train unable to move. This is a hugely embarrassing move and has the capacity to shut several lines at once. Generally results in much pointing and laughing by the other drivers and there’s no point complaining to management that you’re being bullied for being retarded. Managed to sort myself out using unorthodox method (I’ll never tell!).

Friday
Dreading it…

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Protected: Another general update

03 Saturday Oct 2009

Posted by severedelays in Uncategorized

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Tags

fuckwits, hrmmm, not-trains

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Protected: *boggling slightly*

21 Tuesday Jul 2009

Posted by severedelays in Uncategorized

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Tags

fuckwits, hrmmm, near-miss, not-trains

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Protected: Crazy Train

26 Friday Jun 2009

Posted by severedelays in Uncategorized

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Tags

fuckwits, train, tube

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Protected: Ding Dong

03 Wednesday Jun 2009

Posted by severedelays in Uncategorized

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Tags

fuckwits, not-trains, tube

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Protected: Managers ignore driver! Normal service resumes! Strike averted!

26 Tuesday May 2009

Posted by severedelays in Uncategorized

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Tags

fuckwits, not-trains, tube

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Protected: Meetings

22 Friday May 2009

Posted by severedelays in Uncategorized

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Tags

fuckwits, near-miss, not-trains, tube

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Protected: Transparent cloak and dagger

14 Thursday May 2009

Posted by severedelays in Uncategorized

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fuckwits, near-miss, train, tube

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